http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber
Now and then readers email me to ask if I
consider myself an atheist or agnostic because I am gay and, if not, why not…?
Over the years (I'm in my 70's now) I have lost
count of the times I have been told by members of various religious groups that
I will go to hell for being gay. A colleague at work once told me that she
enjoyed working with me, and she was sorry I would go to hell (for being gay.)
If we had not been in a busy public library at the time, I would have given her
as good as I was getting, but I kept a tactful silence. If she interpreted my
silence as a respectful one, she could not have been more wrong; her religion I
respect, yes, its bigotry, no. Fortunately not all religious people are bigots,
and I have felt privileged, indeed, to meet some of them.
So ... God is a homophobe? Evangelical
Christians and the majority of Muslims are by far the worst, for being
homophobic, but I exclude none. (While Judaism is inclined towards a liberal
attitude towards LGBT issues, most Orthodox Jews stop well short of sanctioning
LGBT relationships.) For this reason, I am publishing this post/poem on both
blogs; it first appeared in 2017. Regular readers will know that I have
every respect for all religious faiths, but as a human being (who happens to be
gay) I have the right of reply ... don't I?
At school, 50+ years ago, we were once asked to
write an essay about ‘Secrets’. This was preceded by a class discussion on the
subject during which we were all agreed that secrets are hard to keep,
especially from family and friends. Someone made an unkind remark about gays
not being ‘out’ to which the teacher responded with a wry shrug that “Time outs
us all, in the end. The trick is to get in first, before gossip and ignorance
can do their worst.’ This comment certainly livened up the debate, but I missed
most of what was being said for dwelling on the concept of Time ‘outing us all
in the end.’ It is so true. Gay or straight, it is a rare person that has no
secrets; invariably these come out, if not during their lifetime then in the
course of events following their death.
I only came out to a few people until a bad
nervous breakdown in my 30’s finally rid me of all self-consciousness about my
sexuality. Even then, though, I trod carefully through what I had known for
years as a minefield of public opinion. The breakdown had lasted several years
before I found the confidence to face the world again. During this time, I
explored human nature through avid reading and writing poetry, both of which
had already stood me in good stead at university.
Being gay is, of course, only one aspect of
human nature, one part of a complex whole. It has always been the whole that
interests me although, obviously, I have a special interest in the gay aspect.
Some gay people seem to find it strange that I write general as well as
gay-interest poetry. But…why not? Being gay is a very significant part of who I
am, yes, but I can hardly ignore the rest of me, those other parts that make me
who and what I am. Well, can I...?
In my 70’s now, I often look back and wish I had
done things differently (as in ‘better’) but I guess we are all victims of our
circumstances up to a point, and my circumstances have often conspired against
me. Yet, I am no victim in the sense that I made my own choices, albeit not
always the right ones.
Many who subscribe to a religion have told me I
will forfeit Heaven and go to Hell although I suspect we make our own heaven
and hell as our lives take shape by our own hand. So is death the end of all
things, I wonder? I have no idea, but as a nature lover, take comfort from the
way nature nurtures itself, and spring follows winter. Love, too, never dies
even as lovers and loved ones pass away. I suppose I put what Faith I have in
nature and love rather than in any religion since, from both, I have always
taken a strong sense of spirituality. As to whether or not that sense of
spirituality is seen as a sufficiently positive force in my poetry to
pass into living memory after my death, only time will tell.
No agnostic or atheist, me, but a
pantheist.
IT IS WHAT IT IS…OR IS IT?
Time running out,
mind-body-spirit left floundering
among regrets
for missed opportunities, rushes
to misjudgement,
and plain, everyday mistakes
with consequences...
for there can be no payback
equal to the task
of making reparation for any flaws
in humankind
No sense of a God
likely to extend any forgiveness
to the likes of me,
unable to relate to any Heaven
(potential safe haven)
throughout a lifetime of struggling
to make sense of dogma
interpreted by Religion’s finest
as leave to preach
a Politics of the Heart making sense
of humankind
How then to approach
the End of Things in the absence
of any New Beginning
other than as some deactivated spirit
gone to ashes, dust,
someone else’s (imperfect) memory,
there to endure
a kindly ‘eternity’ that sits more easily
on the tongue than ‘death’
while advocating spiritual qualities
in humankind?
I have asked this of poems
that have dogged my every footstep
from child to senior,
no one answer offered (or confirmed)
but a sense of moving
through time (other than growing old)
acting out tales passed on
by ghosts about leaving footprints;
no one left behind
but (together) creating a continuum
called humankind
To each, our own way,
engaging with the greater mysteries
of life and death,
finding such comfort as we can,
pinning our finer hopes
on what’s better, kindlier, said
and done, wiser choices
than less so, promise nurtured
or left unfulfilled
for an indefinable social conscience
to define us as it will
Whatever, it is what it is, and Time
will out us all one way or another…
Copyright R. N. Taber 2017; 2020
[Note: this poem/ post also appears on my gay-interest blog today.]
