Beware, I Play Dirty OR Myself, My Enemy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Today's poem first appeared on the blog in 2013. I suspect most people's self-confidence is being put to the test as Covid-19 continues to rage around the world. As I see it, it's important that we meet the challenge head-on while, at the same time, using our common sense when it comes to everyday risk management. 

Once lost, self-confidence is hard to regain, and we all need to pull together as a common humanity to help restore it; hopefully, less divisiveness, stereotyping or rushing to judgement and more talking things through, accepting that our differences don't make us different, only human.

Now, I am no extrovert. Indeed, there was a time when I was a near nervous wreck for having to go out there and meet people. But every stranger is a potential friend, and that's a good way of thinking to get into.

There was a time, too, when I was more than a little paranoid and thought everyone was looking at me, talking about me, judging me...and not only for my sexuality, but how I look, dress...everything about me. Yet, as my dear, late mother once pointed out (but I ignored at the time) even if that were true, all the while they are having a go at me, they are leaving someone else alone.  I (eventually) managed to substitute paranoia with a sense of stoicism which, in turn, gradually metamorphosed into a growing self-confidence. 

I once commented to a young man buying drinks in a gay bar (it could have been anywhere, of course) that I admired his self-confidence, He laughed, “Me, self- confident? Don’t you believe it, mate, it’s all an act.” He winked and gave me this advice as he went to join his boyfriend, “Try it and see.” I did, and it worked.

Oh, I never found the degree of self-confidence that young man exuded, but at least I was on track for getting a life. Besides, regarding my sexuality at least, it was the kind of life I really wanted for myself, not the one I had been made to feel for years that I should want. 

Self-confidence and faith in a sense of our own personal identity is a lesson I suspect many of us may yet do well to learn; gay or straight, male or female, whatever our socio-cultural-religious background.  Sexuality, is only part of the human equation, an equation that can add up to a prize fight in more ways than one ... but worth it (surely?) to establish who we are, not only to others, but more importantly to ourselves.

“Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose the good we oft might win,
by fearing to attempt.” - William Shakespeare -Measure for Measure

“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” - ― Sylvia Plath

This poem is a kenning.

BEWARE, I PLAY DIRTY or MYSELF, MY ENEMY

I am with you in sickness

and health, especially in early hours

as you toss and turn,

fretting over a seemingly huge gulf

between early ambition

and later achievement in a mind’s eye

whose vision blurred

by lack of sleep and paying attention

to speculation and gossip

I will seize upon your senses,

throw them into chaos like martyrs

thrown to lions

and torn to pieces for the satisfaction

of a cheering audience

only, on this occasion an audience

of but one, reduced to tears

by the frustration of feeling helpless

to manage a rescue

I have all the tools of torture

required to force you to admit flaws

in judgments made,

paths of action chosen for fear

of what might happen

if no choice made at all, when perhaps

it may have been wiser

to reassign the Devil to hindmost

than imagine the worst

Call me Self-Doubt a native vulnerability
that's any aspiration's worst enemy 

Copyright R. N. Taber 2010