Mist, Mountains and Motivation

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

"Our life is what our thoughts make it." - Marcus Aurelius

I wrote the poem below during my recovery from a nervous breakdown back in the late 1970's and have only slightly revised it.. Until now, reading it has always left me depressed as it recalls a period in my life I would much rather forget. Yesterday evening, though, I found myself in something of a perfect storm; computer crashing, TV failing to respond, a rising panic leaving me unable to quite get my thought processes - already in a mess due to years of hormone therapy for my prostate cancer - into any kind of order.

After a kind friend had helped me send foe, Panic, into retreat over the telephone, I found myself needing to read the poem again. I recalled someone telling me it was "a load of hackneyed crap" at the time, and maybe they were right, but it had done nothing for my fragile morale. Reading it again now, after nearly two years of the world having to live with Covid-19 and now, another rapidly spreading variant, Omicron, it did not leave me feeling depressed at all. On the contrary, it reassured me that, like everyone else, I have the potential to try and rise above the stress that Covid-19 has imposed. 

Along with all of you, I  can but try, succeed or fail, do or die, and may mind-body-spirit see us through this stress, just as it did your truly 40+ years ago. My choice, and I decided to GO for it; already, I could feel my panic retreating, no victory in sight, but the potential for it was there and my depleted energy levels all but restored. I feel the same now, a positive-thinking mindset well and truly kicking in...

I rarely sleep well, but last night I slept better than I had for a long time..

MIST, MOUNTANS AND MOTIVATION

I creep up on you unawares
over periods of time as the going
shifts from gentle slope
to steep hill, until it starts to feel
like there’s a mountain
to climb, its peak shrouded in mist
as if acknowledging
a nagging fear that an enemy is near
if not already here...

At the peak, the scary mist
emanating half-forgotten faces
I can barely place,
whose names long since forgotten
in mists of time, no less
scary for reminding me who I am,
even yet could be,
left wondering why mind-body-spirit
gone eerily quiet...

Tempted, to leap into space
rather than risk descending, ending
all pretence at living,
better to die now – and prove what?
That it has counted for nothing,
this endless searching for something
and getting nowhere fast?
Suddenly, mind-body-spirit finds its voice,
“Do or die, your choice...”

A global challenge, Choice. Do we, nurture
or give up on our past-present-future...?

 Copyright R. N. Taber, 2021

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The Heart is a Free Country

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

A parent being interviewed on on TV recently, protesting about LGBT issues being on the school curriculum, made the point that being sexuality is a lifestyle choice. How ignorant some people can be, I ask you! Sadly this parent is not alone in thinking that. LGBT is not a human choice but a human condition; not an illness, but part of what makes us human beings who we are, the differences that help shape our character, personality and whole lives. Why can't some people see that? 

Fortunately, all of us are blessed with that toughest of all cookies, a human spirit, able to help us find our way in life, and where necessary, rise above its worst... if we choose let it rather than surrender to certain dogma and conventions that prefer to go walkies with dinosaurs; in that sense, yes, we do have a choice.

I have no regrets about being gay. My deepest regret is that so many other people are blind to its not being a life choice. It was this that kept me in a dark, lonely closet from the age of 14 to my mid-30's and eventually resulted in a nervous breakdown from which it took me some years to recover.. I would not wish the likes of that closet to my worst enemy, and the only way to get this across to the least gay-friendly heterosexuals is through education...is it not?  

Parents will have their views and are entitled to share these with their children; share, not dictate. Children deserve an opportunity to learn about the kind of life into which they are growing, and be free to make up their own minds. If enlightenment is the key to a kinder, better world. education has to be the key to any such enlightenment. Education has never been about imposing points of view on children, but giving them an opportunity to ask questions, discuss, argue, whatever... in an impartial environment.  (This is my problem with Faith Schools, not the Faith, but the lack of impartiality.) It is a rare parent, indeed, who is impartial about what they tell/teach their children.

It is not only gay lovers who write to me about estrangement from families caused by their choice of life partners. More often than not, families come round, but it can take time and it’s tragic if true to say that more often than not, they don’t. Mind you, just the likes of yours truly invariably need time to adjust to the realisation we are gay, so too do family and friends; many a division has been caused by knee jerk reactions.

I dare say gay relationships will always remain incomprehensible to the extent of being unthinkable to the less enlightened among the heterosexual majority. Even so, we should never underestimate the power of the human spirit, especially where love and friendship are concerned, or its predilection for good over bad. 

Bigotry, prejudice, entrenchment in some socio-cultural-religious time warp…a way round these issues is never easy for those who cannot see and will not hear the voices of sense and sensibility. They may well need time, some more time than others, to ask what love means and discover that there may be no easy solutions, but only one answer.  On this very subject, a favourite DVD that I always recommend to gay men and their parents is a wonderful French movie called Juste Une Question D’Amour.

Once they can answer honestly, hopefully they will start considering a positive course of action even if it would not have been their preferred choice. Whatever, once they choose love, they are likely to discover that even the toughest road ahead is well worth the trip.

As for the world’s star-crossed lovers, along with the more enlightened among us, they have only one choice, let love or let die.

This poem was inspired by an e-mail from a gay couple who parents have finally accepted their relationship after an estrangement of some years.

THE HEART IS A FREE COUNTRY

In tears, we agreed to part,

not ready yet to hold our heads high

and remind the world

it’s all for one and one for all,

let love or let die

Parting was worse than death

my lonely bed each night a fresh grave

left open to the sky

for night owls and wishing stars

to grieve

One watery dawn, I heard birds

sing ballads about life beyond the pale

of closed minds

whose worst betrayal has to be

the unthinkable

I listened to songs of gay lovers

and others transcending cultural divides

to reassert the integrity

of life, love, hope, humanity - and

more besides

Above all, they were songs of joy

the birds were singing, so why on earth

should I take its life

before even making time to do justice

to its birth?

I called him on the mobile

and said we could not go on living this lie

but needed to get real

about our feelings for each other, a case

of let love or let die

We chose love, trusting family

and friends may reach the same conclusion,

that love is love

and gay love may be different, but different

is but human

  

Copyright R. N. Taber 2013

[Note: This poem first appeared on my gay-interest blog in March 2013; the original post can be found in its archives for that month as listed on the right hand side of any blog page.]

Spoilt For Choice

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

We face questions about the meaning of life and death almost daily. It is a rare person that finds any answers. However, we should not be defeatist. On the contrary, we should feel encouraged.

Yes, we run a gamut of emotions. The joys of life are constantly under threat by fear, grief, pain and loneliness. Yet if we look hard enough with our inner eye, we are likely to see more and more of that bigger picture of which we are but brush strokes on the canvas. It may not answer any questions but it affords us a glimpse of our purpose in life.

We are all aspects of the bigger picture and, as such, have a positive part to play as we find ways to deal with ways of living and dying. We can but hope that when others view the picture they may glimpse and take heart from our contribution.

SPOILT FOR CHOICE

Too often have I talked with Death

in green fields, by sandy shores,

under stars in the middle of the night,

on street corners in broad daylight;

conversation is always much the same,

along the lines of my losing a grip

on the meaningfulness of life and love

and He offering safety, security,

release from the anxieties of integrity;

let Death take responsibility for me

where others refuse, be a ghost among

shades of darkness, distanced from

the spoils and heartache of daily grind,

out of sight, out of mind...?

Too often have I talked with Death

during early hours, late strolls,

counting spring lambs frolicking in

fields of memory, listening out for

voices across the sea, once near, dear

to me, not so long ago it seems,

stuff of sweet dreams, laid low come

cold light of day, buried beneath

cracked paving stones, cruel highways

expecting me to carry on till I drop

exhausted, reaching for Death’s hand

rather than dare ask for help, seek

answers in prayers that always seem

to fall on deaf ears…

“No one cares,” Death so delights
in telling me, urging I turn

my back on spite, hate, jealousy,

poverty, hunger, war, a politics

of perversity, world religions busy

practising world division, quick

to condemn what (too often) they

can’t comprehend for refusing

to play a part in common workings

of the heart, keeping their distance,

awarding marks out of ten to any seen

to have stakes in a God they would

claim for their own and give a name

where no need for one...

Where voices would deny us peace,

let us explore the politics of choice

[From: Accomplices To Illusion by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2007]