On Waking Up (or not) to Facts and Fictions

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I will be 76 later this year and was very saddened, only recently, to hear that the grandson of an old school friend had died of a drugs overdose; he was just 23 years-old and had been an addict since his mid-teens. His younger brother had also experimented with drugs, but not to the same extent and a period in rehab saved him from becoming permanently addicted; he even went on to achieve a university degree, and is now happily settled with his partner and a job he loves. 

I guess wanting to be free of any addiction is not enough, it has to be fuelled by a sense of purpose. 

Years ago, I asked a former drug addict what, for him, had been the attraction of drugs. I expected him to say for the thrill of it. Instead, he answered with one word, “Escapism.” I understood the principle only too well, having been an avid reader of fiction since early childhood by way of escaping from certain realities with which, for the life of me, I couldn’t get to grips, including aspects of myself that I didn’t have the experience to understand and made me feel uncomfortable; during my formative years, these included an undiagnosed hearing loss and untreated speech defect. Later, I would have to deal with being gay, a fact from which family and society attitudes in those days compelled me to run away for nearly twenty years. 

A brief stay in Australia in the late 1960’s was a form of escapism. I felt guilty and cowardly until I met an old aboriginal man with whom I shared confidences I had bottled up for years. “There is no shame in running away,” he told me, “Sometimes we need to run away to find out just what it is we’re running away from. Only then can we decide to tackle it head-on or keep running. Waste of a life, running away. It can only ever end in tears... or worse, much worse...” he added thoughtfully. 

Indeed, it can, and I owe that man my life because I was offered drugs only a few days later, by which time I was able to refuse, having made up my mind to clear up the mess I’d made of my life so far, and stop running. A week earlier, I may well have been desperate enough to choose one of the worst forms of escapism, not uncommon among those of us made to feel but ‘losers’ by such circumstances as likely as not to see us fail to rise above its growing pains. 

ON WAKING UP (OR NOT) TO FACTS AND FICTIONS 

Bright and sunny my days
in the park where once I loved to play
among peers of yesteryear,
relieved just to put any worries on hold,
leave reality behind awhile,
relaxed and happy in the company
of friends, left to explore
brave new worlds of such inspired imagination
as lent us a temporary freedom 

Dark clouds threatening rain
would send us running hell for leather
to find any shelter on hand,
still concerned with keeping reality at bay
a growing anxiety taking hold
of a mind-body-spirit, too easily tempted
by mixed growing pains
to explore the potential of other makeshift worlds
by way of latch-key passwords 

The passage of time grown dark
and scary, the only sure relief on hand
at the prick of a needle,
lending me all the thrills of such yesteryears
as would have had me access
a kinder world than ill-met by sunny days
offering a temporary freedom
from stormy weather, mind-body-spirit left to fight
that incorrigible demon, hindsight 

Alone in the park where once I so loved playing,
just another druggie, no happy ending 

Copyright R. N. Taber 2021

Disaffected Youth, Wasted Lives

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The majority of young people are decent, honest, and hardworking, but there is also high unemployment among young people and that leaves some disaffected with society so they join gangs or become targets for radicalization; violence and/ or drug abuse and / or criminal behaviour becomes a way of life until something (or someone) happens that helps them back into mainstream life and a more positive, fulfilling sense of personal identity.

While there is no excuse for violence, it is high time politicians, religious and community leaders among others (parents, too) looked more closely at its roots and took responsibility where society is failing so many of its young people. Some do, but rhetoric is not enough; actions really do speak louder than words. 

This poem is a villanelle, written in 2014 so its content is nothing new; what is new are successive cutbacks in spending (here in the UK at least, since the financial crisis of 2008)) on such related national and local Government budgets as make provision for policing, extra curricular activities in schools, youth centres, apprenticeships, grants for professional and vocational training places etc. I rest my case ...

DISAFFECTED YOUTH, WASTED LIVES

Got my hands on a knife, a gun,

spread the word,

didn’t ask who’ll carry my coffin

Shouting at just about everyone,

no one heard;

got my hands on a knife, a gun

Needed to prove I was someone,

earn street cred;

didn’t ask who’ll carry my coffin

At first it gave me a buzz, was fun,

but all that disappeared;

got my hands on a knife, a gun

A gangster movie set let me down,

(mustn't show I'm scared)

didn’t ask who’ll carry my coffin

Macho mates weep to see my crown

dripping blood ...

Got my hands on a knife, a gun,

didn’t ask who’ll carry my coffin

Copyright R. N. Taber 2010

[Note: This poem is a villanelle, written in 2010 so its content is nothing new; what is new are successive cutbacks in spending (here in the UK at least since the financial crisis of 2008) on such related national and local Government budgets as make provision for policing, extra curricular activities in schools, youth centres, apprenticeships, grants for professional and vocational training places etc.]

Picking Up The Tab

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I have often been called a dinosaur because I steer well clear of so-called 'designer' drugs. Well, for a start, you never know what you’re getting or how well (or badly) your body will cope.

Take ‘ecstasy’ for example. Few people have suffered much by way of harmful effects from taking it. Yet, I recall Leah Betts, a schoolgirl from Latchingdon in Essex (UK) whose death on November 19th 1995, shortly after her 18th birthday, resulted in extensive media coverage of and panic about those same so-called ‘designer’ drugs. (Sadly, neither of these lasted long and complacency - especially among young people -  very soon set in again.) 

Photo: A November 1995 photo of Leah Betts in a coma that was widely circulated in the press at the time; copied from Wikipedia.

On November 11th 1995, Leah took an MDMA (‘ecstasy’) tablet, and then drank approximately 7 litres of water in a 90 minute period. Four hours later, she collapsed into a coma, from which she did not recover.

I never knew or met Leah Betts, but perhaps you will think of her when you are tempted to try this drug or that on the grounds that ‘everyone else does’ therefore  ‘it can’t possibly do me any harm.’ (Oh, no? Who says…?)

Apart from the fact that there is a lot of rubbish being pushed on the streets these days (this dinosaur keeps his ear to the ground) there has not been time for sufficient research into the long term effects of even seemingly harmless drugs.

Now, everyone loves to party and (too often) drugs are part of the party scene. Now, if you want to play Russian roulette with drugs, go ahead. Just remember, though, that it could well be your family and friends picking up the tab for it for the rest of their lives. 

Have fun, YES, but play safe and say ‘NO’ to drugs. 

Oh, it’s been said before, of course, but countless funerals and ruined lives suggest a lot of people didn’t listen…and are still not listening. But me, I’m just a dinosaur. Why should I care? Well, for a start, one of those funerals and ruined lives was that of someone I loved.  

Love never dies, but lives on in us, a positive life force to be carried over from generation to generation in the form of a posthumous consciousness. But, let's face it, there can be no real compensation for the loss of a loved one unless it is helping to prevent the tragic waste of another human life and all its potential.

PICKING UP THE TAB

Bitter-sweet, a dark place

where I dream of you; 

harsher than a gull’s cry, 

its silence

Treading a swell 

of despair,

and it’s a rare angel 

who’ll care much 

(if at all) for the fool 

sleeping off 

the hangover of a lifetime

bargained for 

with ecstasy, paid for

oh, so dearly! 

Fine feathers, shot down 

in glorious flight,

a fall harsher on the ear

for its silence...

And who’s to blame?

Copyright R. N. Taber, 1999; 2012

[Note: A slightly different  version of this poem first appeared in an anthology Reach for the Truth, Poetry Today (Forward Press)1999 and subsequently in Love and Human Remains by R. N. Taber, 2000.]

Alcoholic Anonymous

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Stress is never easy to deal with, and few of us can cope alone. We need help and should not be afraid or embarrassed to ask for it;ironically, when we most need help the human ego so  fears rejection that it will often go for self-destruct.

There are no quick fixes, and drug abuse of any kind is never the answer. 

Too many people are far too complacent about their daily alcohol intake. I am not unsympathetic. Even so, alcoholics, like all drug addicts ruin not only their own lives but effectively take family and friends more than part of the way with them.

Why do people become addicts.More often than not it is the old cause-and-effect syndrome. Discover why, and there is a chance the addict may yet be saved from the worst.

The modern world is fast and furious. Not everyone can keep up. We need to understand once and for all that there is no shame in asking for help. Some fool once commented to me that asking for help is a coward's way; on the contrary, it is heroic.

Oh, and never think for one minute that alcohol is not a drug.

Alcoholics Anonymous is an international organization that can help alcoholics help themselves. Here in the UK, call 0800 9177 650 (for free) or email: help@aamail.org NOW. If you think or know you have a serious drink problem, taking this small first step is a giant leap towards getting your life back.

ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS 

Like a fish out of water gasping for air,

clinging on for dear life to a cheap

can of beer, almost past caring any more,

glad to let myself fall though unwilling

to take you with me (you deserve better)

flailing, half-dead, but left to my own

meagre devices. May survive or may not,

each to our own choices, whether it be

win, lose, drift along woebegone, food

for fishes or some poor fisherman casting

a line from posterity’s shelf, shades

of myself before I went looking for more

(in a can of beer) bored with the sheer

predictability of family, job, hooks reeling

me into a limbo now serving me up

on a plate of a street where friends seem

to have forgotten who I am so I don’t

try to catch their eyes any more, doesn’t

come as any surprise any more, don’t

even want to think beyond the next drink ,

avoid local bars in case someone sees

(Just one more, bartender, PLEASE…)

Floating face down in a sea of algae,

not a smile to cling to, no hint of caring

in dead eyes staring straight ahead,

waves of indifference crashing on me,

putting me down, hauling me up, only

to toss me back with all the contempt

of a fisherman for minnows competing

for Angler of the Year, a title bringing

fame and beer (for years) at the local pub

where I used to drink my fill; too often

some would say - and how I find myself

here, as good as dead in the water

[Note: A slightly different version of this poem appears in 1st eds. of A Feeling For The Quickness Of Time by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010; 2nd ed. in preparation.]

John Bull's Midnight Garden

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Today’s first poem last appeared on the blog in 2008. Now, I have written several anti-drugs poems and reader ‘Marcel P’ has asked me to repeat this one ‘as a warning to a close friend.’ I only hope he makes sure his friend reads it.  I have added the second poem for good measure.

Drug abuse destroys lives so why are there relatively few rehab centres available, even in big cities like London? Why isn’t there more high profile anti-drugs promotion?

Drug addicts need help, not condemnation. Apart from young people who are targeted by unscrupulous drug pushers, there are others (all ages) who turn to drugs because they cannot cope with the pressures of everyday life. It isn’t long before they find themselves trapped in a vicious spiral of desperation and despair.  

Even so-called ‘soft’ drugs such as cannabis are not without their dangers. Smoking weed can help a person relax, but if he or she is smoking because they cannot cope with certain pressures, the chances are it won’t be long before they will try something stronger, always convinced they are not vulnerable to addiction...

Everyone’s body chemistry is different; take ‘designer’ drugs like ecstasy; for example one person’s high, another’s death. Yes, the latter is rare, but is it worth taking the chance? Besides, many of these drugs have not been around long enough for full research to be done into their long-term effects on mind and body. 

What’s that you say> It’s my life and I’ll live it how I want?  Fair enough, except drug abuse doesn’t only ruin an addict’s life but the lives of his or her family and friends too.

So be careful out there, yeah? If you can’t cope, for whatever reason, ask for help, don’t take the drugs route.

There is no shame in asking for help, only common sense.

JOHN BULL’S MIDNIGHT GARDEN

Blades of grass dipped in moonlight,

Old Man winking mischievously

at shadows chasing their own tails

across number ten’s garden;

Lights in a window peeking between

chinks in closed curtains, envious

of a night left in peace to play without

fear of interruption

Beyond the wall, a screech of tyres

leaves someone’s child dead,

wearing pretty ribbons of moonlight

dipped in a druggie’s blood;

Old Man pointing the finger of blame

at shadows chasing their own tails

from the garden of number ten,

preferring to be left in peace without

fear of interruption

Behind the Rehab Centre, closed down

because of local residents objecting,

a desperate company sniffing, injecting,

clutching at straws in a sea of moonlight

flooding the garden of number ten;

Old Man takes to hiding behind clouds

rather than watch shadows made to chase

their own tails where no peace without

fear of interruption

[From: Accomplices To Illusion by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books 2007]

CHARYBDIS MON AMOUR

Whirlpool

Anguish, mirrored

in eddies of shrapnel light;

Pain, caught fast

in a grip of mute supplication;

Loneliness, laid bare

in a mad rape

Round, round, this raving soul

chases its own dear folly

Life, long since perjured

for roller coaster thrills;

Love, all scratched

and bleeding after spills,

spread-eagled

on a cross

Lord, have mercy

on us

No screaming brakes

at Salvation’s door

left ajar;

Nor one kind echo

in the blind

drop

[From: Love and Human Remains by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2001]

Lament for an Endangered Species

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

We worry about endangered species across the animal and plant worlds, and rightly so, but what about us? Yes, we are right to be concerned about climate change, but aren't we, too,  an endangered species given the way the world’s governments carry on? (Mind you, who elects them...?)

Ah, but we should be wary of playing the blame game as the final stages may well be played out on our own doorsteps. Across the world, including here in the UK, a significant number of young people are losing the plot.

Street crime and gang culture are on the rise especially among young people, and those involved need to ask themselves some important questions, not least what they really want out of life. If the answers include blood on their hands, possibly an early death and/or a long prison sentence... then I guess they will go ahead... throw their lives away and the lives of others while they're about it.

I'm told it's all about acting 'big'. Well, there is nothing big about it at all of course although I suspect that in many cases it is all an act. Those who see sense walk away before it's too late. Now, that's big.

LAMENT FOR AN ENDANGERED SPECIES

I walked out early one morning
and heard a lark singing
a song I’d only vaguely heard
before, its melody
of a curious beauty, yet weeping

blood and tears

Once, I'd get on with whatever
presents itself  at the time,
only vaguely conscious of feeling
all the more inspired to surpass
at the task in hand for a song worthy
of reassuring lost souls
at Heaven’s door kept waiting
for an answer...

Once, I'd roam territorial streets
find sounds of laughter
lifting me till someone's crying
moves me to follow
the awful sound down side roads
and back alleys, leading
to a human being left bleeding 
from knife wounds

Eyes wide open, lips appealing
to our common humanity
for help to see out another day,
hear what a skylark
has to say before too late,
world already darker,
its streets busy ringing war cries
between phone alerts

Now, I roam the streets at twilight
wishing I’d arrived in time
to save the young man who died
in my arms… wondering who
could have had such little respect
for human life as to rob youth
of its future, family life of its soul,
friendship of a like spirit?

Born to achieve this or that goal,
he had but found himself
in the wrong place at the wrong time,
no lark’s song of hope and glory
come close to gang culture’s senseless
prose and blank verse

Come night, a star for every lark come
to sing us to our graves

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2019