Endeavour

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

“I endeavour to make the most of everything.” – Victoria Woodhull

Art is born of the observation and investigation of nature. – Marcus Tullius Cicero

 “People must feel that the natural world is important and valuable and beautiful and wonderful and an amazement and a pleasure is not what you look at, but what you see.”  - David Attenborough

Now, overheard in a local supermarket recently:

1st speaker: “I look at the world we live in these days and it’s so ugly, I sometimes wonder why I bother getting up.”

2nd speaker: Sunshine and birdsong are enough to get me out of bed. They fill me with hope, in much the same way as art sometime can. And hope has such a beautiful voice.”

1st speaker: (scoffs) Huh!

How dare anyone scoff at nature, the poet in me raged. None so blind as will not see. An ugly dog looked up at me as is to reply with such beautiful eyes that I gave myself a good telling-off for initially thinking it ugly. Indeed, I smiled and said “Hello, doggie” to which it wagged a friendly tail and his owner, a complete stranger, gave me a grin that clearly said, “Too right, he’s a beauty…” 

Nor is it only beauty that is in the eye of the beholder; surely, nature has lessons to teach us also, if only we care to let mind-body-spirit watch, listen - and learn...?

ENDEAVOUR

I was like a thwarted stream,
despairing of ever flowing free again,
being at one with a world fairer
by far than it may seem at first glance - before
heavy rains came, left me a prisoner
of myself, time passing through a sad heart
like the trickle of a stream
struggling to find a way past a sudden rockfall,
answer its main flow’s frantic call

Progress, slow but sure, a familiar,
voice in my ear urging I find a way to ease
ts pain, let it be whole once again,
as nature first intended before blue skies
filled with angry clouds
bent on letting rip with a heavy rain,
as if expressing tears of pain  
and disappointment in nature and human nature
increasingly at odds with each other

South wind, strong enough to shift
a few unsettled rocks, enough to let a trickle
run free, eventually reunite 
with its main flow, not quite as vibrantly
as before, but time yet to prove
worthy of serving the needs of natural
and human worlds, 
whither they may yet go, as driven by life forces
plotting their courses over centuries

Heavy rains, they come again, again,
eventually make way for clearer skies, if less so
than we might wish, distracting
ourselves by having singing and dancing chase
dark fears away as haunt 
such dreams as have us negotiating streams
of consciousness, no less vulnerable 
to rockfalls than any other or less able to negotiate,
nature and human nature, ready or not 

The beauty of nature embraces a spirit of endeavour
that's our our mentor, too, and joy forever...

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2022

Amateur, a Self-portrait

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Few if any of us will admit to not being masters of our fate.Up to a point, we are, of course but human life and nature are as complex as the Here-and-Now we have to try and make sense of every day until our past-present-future reaches its conclusion one way or another. 

A wise old bird I once knew warned me never to play amateur psychologist with my own feelings. Sadly, it is advice I failed to take for many years. Consequently, I developed an inferiority complex and lack of self esteem that I tried to confront and deal with, failing miserably. (Yes, my realising I am gay and growing up in a homophobic atmosphere was part of the equation, but only a part.)

Regular readers will know that I suffered a bad nervous breakdown some 40+ years ago. A married reader who confesses to experiencing much the same asks how I 'fully recovered' and 'got my life back to normal'. The sad truth is I never 'fully recovered although , yes, I did manage to knock my life into shape again, even managed to resume my career (thanks to a lot of help and support from various sources and some wonderful people) after several years of being unemployed and seemingly unemployable. It was tough, but if I was a victim, it was of my own making in the sense that I should have sought professional help years earlier. I suspect my breakdown was mind-body-spirit asking for that help, if somewhat late in the day; it had been damaged and badly in need of fixing for far too long. There was never going to be a quick fix.

Although I have been on an anti-depressant for years, it was being given a second chance that made me determined to to address my personal problems head-on and rise above them.  Returning to work in an entirely new environment where only select senior colleagues had been made aware of my history, proved to be a life-saver. I moved into my present flat, and spent years paying off credit cards used to furnish it. By that time, I was conscious of a growing uneasiness within myself. I needed form of creative therapy, and time to pursue it if I was to have any chance of averting another mental breakdown. I gave up a full-time career to work part-time, made time to write (a second life-saver) as well as creating a social life since living alone and often working long hours was contributing to a sense of depression that needs must always be attended to.

I have not been particularly successful with my writing, but enjoy it, and am happy to have achieved a minor reputation as a poet in the 70+ countries that continue to visit my blogs since I started writing them up some ten years or so ago.

Can I live with being a 'failed' novelist? Easily. The few novels I have written can be read in serial form on my fiction blog; only Blasphemy and Catching Up with Murder were ever published; several literary agents expressed an interest in Mamelon 1 & 2, but nothing ever came of it.  

Happy enough in my later years - since recovering from my breakdown sufficiently to get on with my life - I can well relate to the C.S. Lewis quote: “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”

AMATEUR, A SELF-PORTRAIT

There is a part of me

that no one ever gets to see,

for my living out

its fantasy, a nightmare fiction imposed

on Mind-body-spirit

The mind, it may fight

as best it can to get the better

of forces unknowingly

(and unwanted) hell bent upon infiltrating

the human body

The spirit, it may resist

most dreams dressed up to kill,

yet fall for home truths

last seen feeding on an amateur psychology 

worn on its sleeves

The better part of me

struggles to compensate for secrets and lies

it’s made to house

in a heart hell bent on betraying appearances

behind closed doors

The years, they passed

in tears for my struggling daily to break free

from a mind-body-spirit

that would ransom me to Reason, but Reason

would have none of it

Finally, Reason paid up,

returned me safe and sound to the kind of self

that makes a kinder person

if (still) vulnerable to life forces beyond control 

of you, me, anyone

Now, I grow old, haunted

by the ghosts of those same dark secrets and lies

that held me captive for years,

but there are other ghosts, too, allies in adversity,

come to dry my tears

Such is life and human nature,

last seen seeking to nurture its natural predilection

for love and peace

in a world rarely living up to its promises (or ours)

but… who knows…?

Copyright R. N. Taber 2020

Sword and Shield, a Fight to the Better End

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

[Update (Oct 18 2016): It is more than two years now since my fall that resulted in a badly fractured ankle. The warned me tt the hospital that, given my age, I might never walk again, but I was having none of that, kept religiously to a daily schedule of physiotherapy and can now walk quite well with the aid of a walking stick. Yes, walking is sometimes painful still, but it is a great feeling to be out and about. The prostate cancer, too, remains under control with hormone therapy. So...no worries that I cannot overcome by reflecting on my late mother's words, 'If you worry, you'll die and if you don't worry you'll still die one day so...why worry?' I guess we just have to keep a sense of proportion.]

Since my fall, five weeks ago, I have had to exercise a degree of patience I did not know I possessed. I am always out and about, but have been housebound as the front steps are too many and steep for me to negotiate with crutches. Unable to put any weight on my left foot, a Zimmer frame gives me greater mobility around my flat. It has taken until last week for a CT scan to reveal a fracture in the heel so now I have a cast and must continue hopping around on the Zimmer for at least another five weeks. The heel may mend or it may not. I must wait and see…

I live alone, but friends and my lovely neighbours in the flat below have been a godsend, helping with shopping and everyday tasks around the flat that I cannot do myself. Their support means everything. Even so, there have been moments when I have felt very low; it was at just such a time that I had a spirited debate with Pain and wrote the poem, a kenning.

SWORD AND SHIELD,  A FIGHT TO THE BETTER END

True, I am no friend

but do not mean you harm,

will arrive uninvited

(and most unwelcome)

yet do my best

to make my stay as bearable

as possible,

coaxing mind, body and spirit

to comfort, find peace

I may bring clouds

and wintry days, but always

call on spring flowers

and scents of halcyon days

to brighten dark corners

where you may well cower

from everyday hardship,

and a growing sense of bleaker

times yet to come

True, I am no friend,

but I have the power to make

stronger person of you

if you will only rise above

the worst and make

the best of our time together,

let mind, body and spirit

make peace with even a wretch

the likes of me

As Pain its makeshift sword wields,
so peace and love, lasting shields

Copyright R. N. Taber 2014

Dreamers, Awake

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

It is only human nature to go for gold in life...whether it’s passing an exam, winning a sports event, or some one’s heart. Sadly, it is also human nature to beat ourselves up if we don't find it.

Whatever...win some, lose some. The important thing is, never feel a failure (or let anyone else make you feel that way) if things don't work out quite as you'd hoped; each and every one of us deserves a pat on the back, at the very least, just for giving it our best shot. No one can do more.

As for finding whatever gold it is we seek at the end of whatever rainbow, well, that's just the start; holding on and living up to it...that's something else altogether.

This poem is a villanelle.

DREAMERS, AWAKE

As every dreamer (waking) knows
it's agony and ecstasy
in this life’s weepy highs and lows

Love, a going for gold that shows
real true grit humanity
as every dreamer (waking) knows

Out of dreams, inspiration follows 
a bitter-sweet reality
in this life’s weepy highs and lows

Missing out on home goals throws
us but temporarily...
as every dreamer (waking) knows

Watch time lends all its tomorrows
to shades of immortality;
in this life’s weepy highs and lows

By nature, the human spirit grows
to bear the fruits of its maturity
as every dreamer (waking) kmows
in this life’s weepy highs and lows

Copyright R. N. Taber 2012