Presence OR In Praise of Sun Nymphs

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

In my 70’s now, I continue to look on the bright side of life … well, most of the time. Even so, after  hormone therapy for my prostate cancer since 2011 and (more recently) arthritis in my neck as well as the foot I damaged in a bad fall in 2014 … I confess to moments when I ask myself, do I want to go on like this or do I take the first flight to Dignitas in Switzerland? An animal in pain can be  put down. Why should a human being be denied that choice? Yes, everyone's pain threshold is different. Even so, I put it to you that, once having reached that threshold - especially where there is little or no likelihood of any meaningful respite or cure - it it is unfair and inhumane to deny people the choice as to whether they want to continue living in pain for years or be helped to die in peace now. Our body, our life - so why not our choice?

Fortunately, I am (usually) a very positive thinker, but when bad days and nights persist, I am tempted …

Even more fortunately, I have some very supportive friends and, of course, you, dear readers, who make a huge contribution towards making my life worthwhile. I would write poetry anyway, and enjoy it for its own sake, but having an appreciative readership makes all the difference. One reader emailed recently to ask why I had never won any awards, and was I disappointed?

No, certainly not disappointed on either count. One writes primarily to be read, and all three of my blogs are more widely read than I ever anticipated, with readers dropping in from many countries around the world. Given that poetry is not everyone’s cup of tea (to say the least) that alone is reward enough for yours truly. The same reader also asks why, as a gay man, I also write general poetry. Well, believe it or not, there is more to anyone than their sexuality, and I decided a long time ago that I would not pander to any stereotypes. LGBT folks are just ordinary people with whose sexuality the less discerning among us have had a problem getting their heads around for centuries. Thankfully, there are a growing number of gay-friendly people just about everywhere these days. 

I had great plans for travelling the world during my retirement, but health problems deter me from going much farther than meeting up with friends for lunch. So, do I enjoy life in my 70’s? Yes, I do … in my own way and my own good time (need a walking stick, and not a good bet for a marathon these days!) So far, so good, but I am under no illusion that I may well reach my pain threshold sooner rather than later, which case I would much prefer to die in my own country among friends.

Yes, I have every reason to be positive (in spite of occasional lapses) not least because I am still here to tell the tale after botching a suicide attempt some 40 years ago; thankfully, it proved to be a wake-up call, not the endgame I craved during a mental breakdown that had been on the cards for years.

While I am glad mental health is less of a taboo subject than when I was growing up, a lot more still needs to be done to educate people about the whys and wherefores, especially in schools. I probably would not have attempted suicide, had I not been living alone and no one around at the time to help me see the folly of it so an 'assisted' suicide would never have taken place; in the event, I woke after 36 hours and chose to life over death at that pivotal moment in time.

PRESENCE or IN PRAISE OF SUN NYMPHS

I dreamed a presence,

heard its voice calling on me

to end my life

because I’ve reaped so little

of all I’d meant

to sow, weep for time lost,

opportunities missed

I dreamed a presence

persisting with its cajoling me

to lose hope,

concede the pull of plunging

into a nothingness

no worse if no better a deal

than being … what, me?

I woke to watch a fly

on the wall fall foul of a spider

as is the way of things,

nature and humanity, species apart

in parallel universes,

life and death part and parcel

of … yes, what exactly?

I woke to sun nymphs

dancing on a yellow brick road,

making a nonsense

of a funereal gloom gripping me

as if making a play

of Light and Shadow in a world

waiting on … who, me?

Awake, asleep, a presence

there will always be, suggesting

we submit to the worst

of all worlds, abandon one second

to none, a saving grace

among the killing fields of life,

built with … loving care

Earth turning, hearts yearning

for kinder faces, distant places akin

to some paradise,

contriving beginnings of better ends

through positive thinking,

second to none among evergreens

rooted in human nature

Copyright R. N. Taber 2019