Oscars
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber
This poem remains in my gay-interest blog archives for June 2011. At the time, I wanted to post it on both blogs, but was already receiving hate emails even though it was early days for my poetry blogs, so I decided against it. Its appearance here today is down to positive feedback with regard to my publishing from one or other archives, and discovering just how many readers share a home computer so need to be careful as to which sites they access; there can be few worse experiences in life than being 'outed' before we are emotionally ready to fight our corner where necessary.
Several men have been in touch who find themselves in heterosexual relationships from which they have no wish to extract themselves, but feel guilty about having sex with other men whenever the opportunity arises. This guilt is so hard to bear that their respective their marriages are under threat as a result. I offer no solutions or advice, but suggest they might consider seeing a marriage counsellor along with their respective partners. In my experience, it is much easier to discuss matters with a third party who is neither a relative nor friend but a professional who is not only detached but has also almost certainly heard it all before so is unlikely to be in the least shocked or judgemental.
Now, it is tough on a woman when she finds out her husband or boyfriend is gay or bisexual; or a man when he discovers his female partner has lesbian tendencies. Let’s face it. It is, after all, a betrayal of their relationship. It isn’t easy for either party. Whatever reasons, excuses, explanations or pretty rhetoric we care to debate, betrayal is betrayal. And betrayed people feel immeasurably hurt. It is not only the heterosexual partner who feels betrayed either; many repressed gay people are likely to feel they have betrayed everything they were brought up to believe in.
Regarding bisexual men and women, there is a train of thought I won’t follow here that most people who see themselves as bisexual do so because they are loath to examine the gay side to their sexual identity too closely; all the while they can happily swing both ways, their masculinity, or femininity as the case may be, is not under threat. Yet, among the many people who assure me bisexuality is ‘cool’ I’d say the majority are essentially gay. [I will leave transvestites and transgender people out of the equation for the purposes of this blog entry, but in no way do I underestimate either their problems or the courage many display in overcoming them.]
Whatever, it can take time to learn to believe in ourselves. Only then can we start to believe in each other. Betrayal is a raw wound that can take a long time to heal. Tragically, some such wounds never do heal properly. Even so, if the relationship between partners of the opposite sex is such that they are close friends as well as lovers, those wounds may start to heal sooner rather than later. Yet, once the die is cast, they have to find their own ways of dealing with it and we should not judge those too harshly who find themselves unable to forgive.
Many gay men and women can form a physical relationship with the opposite sex if the attraction is mutual and strong enough; some even think themselves into heterosexual mode because they can’t face up to being gay, probably having been brought up to think the worst of gay people by the less enlightened among the heterosexual majority. It isn’t easy to shake off the shackles of formative years. For most of us, sexuality will out us in the end. Tragically, some stay in the proverbial closet all their lives; those who can and do break out, in the early days at any rate, are likely to leave a trail of tears, not least their own.
Few of us set out deliberately to hurt others, especially those we love. But sexuality is an issue that is relatively rarely debated in the home or in any public arena; never at all in some parts of the world. Oh, there are books and the Internet, but the long and the short of it is we are on our own and have to work it out for ourselves.
Once we have acknowledged to ourselves that we are gay, it becomes easier (never easy) to tell other people. Some people are receptive to our findings, others reject them and try to steer us in another direction while others choose to see us as a lost cause and give up on us. And I use the word ‘choose’ deliberately. We all have a choice. As it happens, various socio-cultural-religious get-out clauses are not in short supply, but we are each and every one of us ultimately responsible for whatever choices we make in life, no one else.
It is not only gay people who find themselves at odds with loved ones, friends and various socio-cultural-religious traditions, but we are discussing gay people so let’s not get sidetracked.
When a gay person finds that he or she cannot stay in a heterosexual relationship any longer, the closet door has to be flung wide. There is a lot of understanding out there, but there is also a lot of ignorance and bigotry. As I have said on the blog before, little or nothing will change in real terns until sexuality is openly and intelligently discussed in schools. Legislation to give gay people equal rights in society is all very well, but you cannot legislate for bad attitude.
As for me... I am in my late 60s now and have only slept with two women in my life. Technically, I may be bisexual, but I have thought of myself as a gay man for many years and always will.
I have recently (slightly) revised this poem that I wrote in 1999.
OSCARS
When I am with a woman
I am hers alone, no thoughts
of men as we make love
with a sure passion, and wherever
we walk, talk, laugh, play,
I’d never wish myself elsewhere
or some man setting out
to prettily seduce me there
It doesn't work that way
Love of a good woman
(put at a price above rubies)
is a treasure I respect,
and would never wish to abuse;
So why this naked heaven
with a man, more pleasing to me
than any earthly jewel,
does my inner eye choose?
Who knows?
Copyright R. N. Taber 1999; 2011
[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears in Love and Human Remains by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2000.]
This poem remains in my gay-interest blog archives for June 2011. At the time, I wanted to post it on both blogs, but was already receiving hate emails even though it was early days for my poetry blogs, so I decided against it. Its appearance here today is down to positive feedback with regard to my publishing from one or other archives, and discovering just how many readers share a home computer so need to be careful as to which sites they access; there can be few worse experiences in life than being 'outed' before we are emotionally ready to fight our corner where necessary.
Several men have been in touch who find themselves in heterosexual relationships from which they have no wish to extract themselves, but feel guilty about having sex with other men whenever the opportunity arises. This guilt is so hard to bear that their respective their marriages are under threat as a result. I offer no solutions or advice, but suggest they might consider seeing a marriage counsellor along with their respective partners. In my experience, it is much easier to discuss matters with a third party who is neither a relative nor friend but a professional who is not only detached but has also almost certainly heard it all before so is unlikely to be in the least shocked or judgemental.
Now, it is tough on a woman when she finds out her husband or boyfriend is gay or bisexual; or a man when he discovers his female partner has lesbian tendencies. Let’s face it. It is, after all, a betrayal of their relationship. It isn’t easy for either party. Whatever reasons, excuses, explanations or pretty rhetoric we care to debate, betrayal is betrayal. And betrayed people feel immeasurably hurt. It is not only the heterosexual partner who feels betrayed either; many repressed gay people are likely to feel they have betrayed everything they were brought up to believe in.
Regarding bisexual men and women, there is a train of thought I won’t follow here that most people who see themselves as bisexual do so because they are loath to examine the gay side to their sexual identity too closely; all the while they can happily swing both ways, their masculinity, or femininity as the case may be, is not under threat. Yet, among the many people who assure me bisexuality is ‘cool’ I’d say the majority are essentially gay. [I will leave transvestites and transgender people out of the equation for the purposes of this blog entry, but in no way do I underestimate either their problems or the courage many display in overcoming them.]
Whatever, it can take time to learn to believe in ourselves. Only then can we start to believe in each other. Betrayal is a raw wound that can take a long time to heal. Tragically, some such wounds never do heal properly. Even so, if the relationship between partners of the opposite sex is such that they are close friends as well as lovers, those wounds may start to heal sooner rather than later. Yet, once the die is cast, they have to find their own ways of dealing with it and we should not judge those too harshly who find themselves unable to forgive.
Many gay men and women can form a physical relationship with the opposite sex if the attraction is mutual and strong enough; some even think themselves into heterosexual mode because they can’t face up to being gay, probably having been brought up to think the worst of gay people by the less enlightened among the heterosexual majority. It isn’t easy to shake off the shackles of formative years. For most of us, sexuality will out us in the end. Tragically, some stay in the proverbial closet all their lives; those who can and do break out, in the early days at any rate, are likely to leave a trail of tears, not least their own.
Few of us set out deliberately to hurt others, especially those we love. But sexuality is an issue that is relatively rarely debated in the home or in any public arena; never at all in some parts of the world. Oh, there are books and the Internet, but the long and the short of it is we are on our own and have to work it out for ourselves.
Once we have acknowledged to ourselves that we are gay, it becomes easier (never easy) to tell other people. Some people are receptive to our findings, others reject them and try to steer us in another direction while others choose to see us as a lost cause and give up on us. And I use the word ‘choose’ deliberately. We all have a choice. As it happens, various socio-cultural-religious get-out clauses are not in short supply, but we are each and every one of us ultimately responsible for whatever choices we make in life, no one else.
It is not only gay people who find themselves at odds with loved ones, friends and various socio-cultural-religious traditions, but we are discussing gay people so let’s not get sidetracked.
When a gay person finds that he or she cannot stay in a heterosexual relationship any longer, the closet door has to be flung wide. There is a lot of understanding out there, but there is also a lot of ignorance and bigotry. As I have said on the blog before, little or nothing will change in real terns until sexuality is openly and intelligently discussed in schools. Legislation to give gay people equal rights in society is all very well, but you cannot legislate for bad attitude.
As for me... I am in my late 60s now and have only slept with two women in my life. Technically, I may be bisexual, but I have thought of myself as a gay man for many years and always will.
I have recently (slightly) revised this poem that I wrote in 1999.
OSCARS
When I am with a woman
I am hers alone, no thoughts
of men as we make love
with a sure passion, and wherever
we walk, talk, laugh, play,
I’d never wish myself elsewhere
or some man setting out
to prettily seduce me there
It doesn't work that way
Love of a good woman
(put at a price above rubies)
is a treasure I respect,
and would never wish to abuse;
So why this naked heaven
with a man, more pleasing to me
than any earthly jewel,
does my inner eye choose?
Who knows?
Copyright R. N. Taber 1999; 2011
[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears in Love and Human Remains by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2000.]
Labels: bigotry, bisexual, contemporary, global consciousness, human nature, human spirit, LGBT, mind-body-spirit, nature, personal space, poetry, relationships, sexuality, society
posted by R. N. Taber | 08:04
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