Most if
not all of us have a dark side, possibly never more memorably illustrated than
by Robert Louis Stevenson in his famous novel The
Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
What do
we see when we look in a mirror? Sometimes, reflecting on how we look exposes much of how we are feeling but cannot articulate at the time; an indefinable anxiety about giving much if
anything away.
In my
experience, we need to give more
away, feel less inhibited about confiding worries, fears, even a
sense of split personality that can only fuel
both.
On the
whole, we all do a good job of camouflage. But is that a good thing? I suspect people
would be less likely to crack under the strain of whatever it was causes them to
do terrible things if they had felt able to talk to someone who might
have been able to help them reach a clearer, less awful perspective on friends,
family, colleagues, and life in general.
Having
experienced a severe nervous breakdown some 30+ years ago, I remain haunted by
how much worse it so easily could
have been if I hadn’t received the help and support I needed. This, I should
add, was more by accident then design.
Looking
back, I can see how feelings of distress fuelled by an emotionally damaged
childhood and early manhood erupted as they did. I am only surprised this
didn’t occur years earlier. Possibly, compensating very well (too well) for a significant
hearing loss and having to conceal the fact that I am gay for many years (when gay
relationships were a criminal offence) made me such an expert in the art of hiding
my feelings that I could not even make them out myself. Certainly, I could not
articulate on them and needed help in flushing them out before I could even begin
to come to terms with how I really felt or who I really
am.
Traumatic
and distressing though my breakdown was, I was one of the lucky ones. 30+
years on, I still suffer bouts of depression from time to time, but these are
nothing compared to what happened to me then. Tragically, mental health is still something of a taboo subject which is probably why most people’s conception
of mental health issues continues to be naïve if not downright ignorant; more often than not, it is a distorted one. Only those of us who have experienced it and
the relatively few people who have supported us on that ghastly roller-coaster ride,
have any idea of the damage it does to the human psyche.
So if
someone you know starts behaving strangely and out of character, please don’t
give up on them. Try to help and support them. (Professional help and support is not always either forthcoming or constructive.) It isn’t always easy being a friend, but
friendship means taking the rough with the smooth. Sadly, some people are only
interested in the latter; they cannot or will not contend with the other.
This poem
is a villanelle.
ENGAGING WITH MR HYDE
Find
beasties in mirrors weeping
for those
looking fear in the eye,
never
truly awake or ever sleeping
Silent as
dawn’s stealth creeping
over
bedcovers where we lie,
find
beasties in mirrors weeping
Werewolves
in sheep’s clothing
(human
nature knows us by)
never
truly awake or ever sleeping
Consorting
with gargoyles sweeping
up
mistakes and lies we’ll deny,
find
beasties in mirrors weeping
Through a
lace curtain of empathy,
home
truths from which we shy,
never
truly awake or ever sleeping
Alter ego,
a chameleon peeping
through a
roaming glass eye;
find
beasties in mirrors weeping,
never
truly awake or ever sleeping
Copyright
R. N. Taber 2010
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